Do you ever wonder why you feel drawn to your ex? I mean for every time you swear that you would never get back in bed with them or someone else, you end up back there – rolling in the sheets… Maybe it doesn’t only happen with your ex. Ever heard of Soul Ties? That thing is true. I know we’ve been led to believe that sex is merely a physical act but there is more to sex than the mere skin on skin. If only we knew how true this is, we wouldn’t be engaging in casual and meaningless sexual indulgences; the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy.
That’s where I’d like for us to discuss soul ties. I hope you learn a thing or more from this.
Our Emotions Speak too – Soul Ties
You know that feeling we just talked about? The one where you truly want to break off the relationship but your heart is screaming no? That’s your emotions speaking to you and the voice is usually louder when there is sex involved in the relationship. The longer you spend in a relationship especially in one where the both of you were sexually active, the harder it becomes for you to walk away. You start to feel like you owe them something. Even when you succeed in walking away, you find yourself falling back in bed with them the moment they come around.
Trust me, I know the feeling. It took me a year to finally walk away from my relationship even though I had said the words “it’s over” a year before. That was the hardest I ever had to do in my life. Only those who have walked in these shoes would understand. There are some people who know that their relationship is dishonorable to God but they can’t find the strength to walk away. Some who walk away end up returning back over and over again. I wrote this for you.
What do Soul Ties mean?
To answer the questions I’ve been throwing, let me use this analogy. When a rope is left free [without any ties], it’s straight. You can use it comfortably for whatever you want to use it for without having to go through any form of stress. However, when it is tied, it’s quite difficult. The more the ties, the harder it becomes to untie. And when you let the rope keep tangling, it takes a lot for you to untie it and restore it to the way it was. That’s the same thing with our relationships. I think it’s worse for women because we are more emotionally inclined than men are.
Sex isn’t just happening in the physical dimension. There is a tremendous amount of emotional bonding happening on the other end. That’s what never crosses our minds. That’s the Soul Ties I mentioned. Think of this bond as the glue that ties two people together. And for every time you have sex with that person, you reinforce the bond.
Your Brain & Sex – Soul Ties
God created us so uniquely and deposited a lot in us that we know nothing of. For instance, your brain and sexual activity go hand in hand. I’m pretty sure you already know that your brain is the command center of your body. If you didn’t know that, now you do. The brain sends messages to all the parts of our body so we can engage in activities properly. Same happens for sexual activity. I’m going have to go all biology on you so you can understand better.
I was amazed when I discovered that the Limbic System deals with and regulates emotions, memory, and sexual arousal. In order to communicate effectively, different parts of your brain send neurotransmitters which help various messages and hormones go from one part of the brain to another. But the neurotransmitter I’d like us to focus on is Oxycotin. Oxytocin promotes bonding and attachment. That’s what produces all those “feel good” hormones running down your spine.
Oxycotin & Sex – Soul Ties
Like I mentioned, Oxycotin is released you get excited. That includes sexual excitement. During sex, this chemical is being produced in you and the one you are having sex with, creating a bond between the both of you. Released in the brain, this hormone is creating an emotional bond between you and that person.
Dr. Daniel Amen, one of the prominent figures in neuropsychology, writes in his book, Change Your Brain Change Your Life, page 41:
“Whenever a person is sexually involved with another person, neurochemical changes occur in both their brains that encourage limbic, emotional bonding. Yet limbic bonding is the reason casual sex doesn’t really work for most people on a whole mind and body level. Two people may decide to have sex ‘just for the fun of it,’ yet something is occurring on another level they might not have decided on at all. Sex is enhancing an emotional bond between them whether they want it or not. One person, often the woman, is bound to form an attachment and will be hurt when a casual affair ends. One reason it is usually the women who are hurt most. The reason is that the female limbic system is larger than the male’s.”
So, have you ever felt hurt after a breakup? or perhaps a “casual sexual” encounter? Do you find yourself repeatedly playing the scenario in your mind, maybe even thinking of different outcomes? I think this pretty much sums up why you feel the way you do. You don’t necessarily have to be dating for you to get attached to someone through sex. It’s something that just happens. Soul ties happen even without sex. It happens in friendships – this emotional bond that exists between close friends. However, sex takes it to a whole other level. It deepens the bond, making it harder to walk away from the relationship whether it is abusive or not.
Untying what’s Been Tied – Soul Ties
I guess you see one of the reasons God asked us to remain chaste – to avoid all the drama that comes with it. The emotional attachment that is created during sex (the glue) brought the both of you together. You see, nothing is ever really casual when it comes to sex. You became one flesh with them the moment you had sex with them.
“And don’t you realize that if a man joins himself to a prostitute, he becomes one body with her? For the Scriptures say, “The two are united into one.” (1 Cor 6:16).
By this, you have already laid the wrong foundation for adultery in your marriage later in life by becoming one flesh with many souls; with some person who will never be your spouse. And even if they end up as your spouse, it is still a wrong foundation to build upon. God reserved this kind of intimacy for marriage to prevent emotional confusion that results in adultery, crushed self-esteem, suicide and other tragic “failed love” stories you hear. The devil knows this that is why he tries to keep us asleep to this fact.
Practical Steps to Breaking Soul Ties
This article wouldn’t be complete if I do not do this. Everyone wants to be free of the sins of their past but only a few actually take the step. I am going to be giving you tips that helped me. This worked for me. I know we are all different in our own way but the truth is that freedom comes at a cost.
Walk away from that relationship
If you are one who is concerned with making things right with God, the first thing I’d say to you is Run. Run in the opposite direction. Walk away from that relationship and do not look back. How do you do that? Cut off all means of communication with them – WhatsApp, Facebook, Phone calls and you know what. Yes! It is as serious as that. If you are unwilling to do that, it means you are not ready to move on. There’d always be this pull that even marriage cannot overcome. Which is why you need time away from them. Take the opportunity and leave.
I know it is going to be hard but honey, you have to do this. They will not like it, yes. But it’s good for you not to look at the smaller picture. What use will it be having them in your life, knowing that you can get back in bed with them any moment? Cutting off the guy I loved was the hardest thing I ever had to do but I did it anyway. He wasn’t a bad person but I couldn’t have him in my life while trying to get right with God because he was going to be a constant reminder of all I was trying to leave behind. It was rough on the both of us but I somehow found the strength to do it.
This is an important first step. You cannot put new wine inside an old wineskin. The old has to go. You are not quarreling with them neither are you mad at them. You just need to focus on God and you cannot do that with them around. If God decides to lead them into your life, later on, that’s great but don’t be the one to hinder God from what He is trying to do in your life.
Watch who you talk to
Who you talk to during this period is critical. You should pray for friends who’d encourage you in your walk with God. Not friends who’d try all they can to hook you two up again or hook you up with someone or something else. Pray for people headed in the same direction with you because you need to grow. You don’t want people who would take you away from God’s presence. You should do everything you can to make Jesus the center of your life. He will take it from where you stop.
Come to Jesus
Jesus said, ” Come to me all of you who are weary and heavy with burdens and I will give you rest…”
The only way I know that breaks soul ties is Jesus. His blood covenant is higher than any bond we may have formed by illicit/premarital sexual activities. The only thing you need to do is walk away from that situation and walk to Him. This is going to be a very trying period in your life that even your friends won’t be able to help you. There is so much we can do for each other but our strength is limited. Which is why you need Jesus. He is the only one who you can lean on and count on to carry you through this period.
Please, keep away from friends that try to lead you back or make you feel guilty about what you are doing. You are doing the right thing by obeying God’s Word and God will with you, giving you strength when you need it. The only thing you need to do is to surrender it all to Jesus. He will take care of it. Just cry out to Him to help you through this period. The pain of leaving someone you have become so tied to is usually unbearable but if you let Jesus help you, He will see you through this period. Only trust Him
Get to Know Jesus
You can only know Jesus when you study His Word. I know we have this notion that the Bible is boring but it really isn’t. For you to heal, you only need to focus on Jesus. Study the Bible. It’s not that hard to do so. The Holy Spirit is there to teach you. Get to know Jesus so He can fill you up. I would be kicking off a Bible study series soon and I hope it helps even as you get to know Jesus.
The Word of God is the only solution I know that renews our hearts and transforms our lives so much that people won’t be able to reconcile the difference between the old and the new you. Be deliberate about studying the Word. Thatis where your healing begins.
Talk to Him
Hannah is one woman I love. She understood that no one, not even her husband could fill the void within her. She was in need of something and she took her worries to God. At His feet, she expressed herself and poured out her emotions to God. What that made me realize is that God wants to hear you talk to Him. He cares more than you will ever know. Pour out your heart to Him and get to know Him. Ask Him to strengthen you for this; ask Him to lead you aright so your emotions don’t lead you back to where you crawled out from. Just ask Him and do not doubt. He will lead you.
The ball is in your court. As hard as it is to walk away, you can walk free if you do so, holding onto Jesus and never looking back. Remember what Lot’s wife did. She was so in love with her past that she just had to take one look back. There and then, she became a pillar of salt. I wouldn’t say I didn’t look back.
Actually, I did and it just worsened the whole situation. It wasn’t until I decided to fully surrender to Jesus that things became better. Keeping in touch won’t help either of you. You both need time to grow and heal. I know he and I did. And God in His Faithfulness took care of the situation. Choose God’s voice above the voice of your heart. It always pays off. Though it is painful at first, it will become beautiful if you sort out your emotions before God.
Cry to Him every day if you must but don’t go looking for sympathizers. I made a lot of mistakes in those times but the one thing I did right was coming to Jesus like Hannah did. Read about her in 1st Samuel 1. Jesus loves you deeply but you have to let go of that person and walk to Him the right way. Just come to Him. He paid in full already.
I have realized that I need you oh Lord. Please, help me. Give me the strength I need to walk away. I break every soul tie I have formed with anyone in the past, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen. Help me to seek you with all of my heart. In your mercies, do not forsake me. Thank you because I know you hear me. In Jesus name. Amen!